Of Jews and Hippies
by ScaryBones
Summary: "Once upon a time," Cartman started. He stared ominously around the group of teens, who were mostly ignoring him. He would soon have their attention, though.
1. Chapter 1

"Once upon a time," Cartman started. He stared ominously around the group of teens, who were mostly ignoring him. He would soon have their attention, though. He knew it. "There was a Jewish man who lived out in the woods; these very woods, to be exact." People started staring over at him and he relished in the attention. "He had been outcast by his family when they found out he was gay. He had run off with his lover, a hippie who had never been that well-liked himself. They had fled to the woods after an angry mob had chased them to the town's limits."

Stan and Kyle were giving him "are you serious?" looks, but no one said anything to stop him.

"While they were running, Stan- I mean, the Jewish man's lover, tripped and broke his leg. The Jew carried his boyfriend to a safe spot and tried to clean the wound, but the man died a few days later due to an infection. Because as everyone knows, Jews can't be doctors," Cartman shot a pointed look at Kyle, who rolled his eyes. Stan looked downcast that he had been killed so soon in the story, but it didn't matter. "The Jew was devastated, and mourned the death of his lover. He swore that he'd get back at the mob, the people who had forced him to live his life alone."

"Did he ever get revenge?" Butters asked, scooting closer to the brunette.

"I'm not finished! Shut up and you'll see!" Cartman yelled, and paused for a minute, trying to remember where he was. "Oh yes. So, years passed and the Jew had eventually built himself a shack - it wasn't a very good one, because what does everyone know?"

There was a pause before the group of campers reluctantly muttered: "Jews can't be carpenters..."

"But Jesus was a carpenter!" Kyle interrupted, folding his hands across his chest.

"But was he a _good one_?" Cartman asked. Since no one had the answer, he continued. "_Anyway_, the Jew had also built a basement, where he stored the hippie's body. He had taken Stan apart-"

"The hippie," Butters corrected.

"He had taken _the hippie _apart, and had put all his organs into jars, plotting an experiment that not even the maddest of scientists had tried. Years of his life had been dedicated to this project, long hours of the night spent down in his laboratory basement, straining over a table in the dim candle light." Cartman realized that everyone was leaning forward in their seats, curious as to what happened next. He smirked. "It was one night, in his old age, that the Jew had finally completed the experiment. The shack shook with his maniac laughter as he reached for a jar, the last jar he had left. It was his lover's brain, and he handled it carefully. He gently placed it into the cavity of the hippie's head, and painstakingly sewed his head back on."

"Did it leave a scar?" Stan asked, scratching near his ear. Cartman nodded.

"...Yes. Anyway, he stood there, staring down at the resculpted body of his lover. All that was left was to wait for a storm, and luckily, it was only a few days later when the lightning started striking near his poorly-built home. Excitedly, he dragged the hippie's scarred body out into the storm, laying him over a rock. It was not long before a spider web of electricity struck through the hippie's body, making the boy jolt. The Jew laughed excitedly as his lover's eyes opened, and he quickly carried him inside, telling him about how he had been waiting all these years to see those eyes again. The hippie just sat there, looking at the monster his boyfriend had become.

" 'Look at yourself,' the hippie said. 'I don't even recognise you anymore.' The Jew had become angry, yelling about how they could exact their revenge on the people who had hurt them, and rejected them. But the hippie shook his head. 'If my existence is just to hurt, then I'd rather be dead.'

"This made the Jew even more angry, and he yelled, 'I spent my whole life working so you could live! And now you say you'd rather be dead?' In a fit of rage, he reached for a scalpel and struck out at his ex-lover. However, the hippie was quick, and dodged out of the way. The Jew had not been expecting this, and tripped over the horribly uneven floor. He made a gurgling shriek as the scalpel went through his throat. The hippie cried out and knelt down beside his lover, tugging the tool out of his neck frantically. However, it was no use. It had punctured his trachea, quickly suffocating him. The Jew motioned for the hippie to lean in closer, trying to speak his final last words. As the hippie did, however, the Jew quickly ripped the scalpel out of the other's hands, stabbing it through his lover's throat. As the dark-haired boy fell down next to him, clutching his throat and trying to stop the blood, the Jew said his final last words. _We'll get our revenge_..."

Cartman stopped, looking at everyone's wonder-struck faces. Stan even had a hand up to his neck, eyes wide as he looked at Kyle.

"It's a legend that if you listen hard enough, you can still hear the gurgling voices of the two lovers' ghosts as they roam the woods, looking for any sign of life so that they can finally get their revenge and be at peace."

There was silence as the teens strained their ears for any sounds. Hearing nothing, Kyle opened his mouth to call Cartman out, but was cut off by a low moan coming from somewhere behind him. "What was that?" Butters cried out, and jumped when Cartman grabbed his arm. "Agh!"

The fat boy started laughing. "You're face! God, you guys are so gullible!" Everyone groaned, getting up and heading for their tents, all the while cursing the brunette.

No one noticed the two pale forms at the edge of trees, their hands entwining is glee as their eyes followed the individuals.

xxx

**"It was as if she was in a redwood forest of penises. They were all around her, slapping her face..."**

** -Herbert Garrison, **_**Valley of Penises**_


	2. Chapter 2

**A continuation of the last chapter~ :D**

**xxx**

Butters shifted in his sleeping bag, unable to fall asleep. Something in his mind wasn't letting him rest. Outside the tent, strange noises sounded. He even swore he heard gurgling sounds and footsteps, but when he shook Kyle and told him about it, the redhead became angry and told him to go back to sleep. Butters then turned to Eric, and shook him awake.

"That was _my_ stick of butter, you asshole!" the fat teen shouted, before coming to his senses and glaring at the blonde. "What do you want?"

"Listen, Eric," Butters said, motioning to the door of the tent. The two boys strained their ears for any strange sounds, but there was only the sound of bats using echolocation.

"I don't hear anything."

"There was weird sounds like someone trying to talk with water - or _blood_ - in their mouths, and I heard footsteps!" Butters face paled as he explained. "Was that story you told _true_, Eric?"

"Of course it was, stupid! Do you think I'd make something like that up?" Cartman asked, but there was a slight smirk on his face. Of course he'd made it up, but he enjoyed seeing Butters so worked up and scared. "Now leave me alone and go to sleep...if you can."

"Alright." Butters snuggled deeper into his baby blue sleeping bag. He tried to force himself to sleep, but was still unable. Eric's snores a while later did nothing to help. He sighed and closed his eyes, trying desperately to make his mind shut down.

"_This way._"

His eyes snapped open as quick footsteps went passed their tent. He saw two shadows at the entrance of the tent, hunched over. He looked on in terror as the zipper was pulled down a little.

"Aagh! Go away!" he shouted, and the boys in the tent shot up in their sleeping bags.

"Butters, what the hell?" Stan asked irritably.

"Look!" Butters shouted, and pointed at the entrance of the tent. To his surprise and relief, the shadows were gone, but the zipper was halfway down.

"Why'd you open the tent? It's freezing?" Kenny muttered, moving forward and yanking the opening closed.

"It wasn't me," Butters defended. "It was the Jew and the Hippie."

Their was a short pause before the others in the tent burst into laughter. "That was just a stupid story Cartman made up, Butters," Kenny said, and slapped the blonde on the back.

"I didn't make it up," Cartman said, but the others only laughed.

"Let's just go to sleep," Stan said after he'd calmed down. He pulled the covers over him, sinking into his Terrance sleeping bag.

"_Go to sleep_."

All boys froze at the strange voice. "Hello?" Kenny asked.

There was no response. Kyle shivered. "Maybe we're hearing things..."

"_Hearing things_." The boys screamed as the zipper was suddenly yanked down all the way. Butters covered his face with his hands, peeking through his fingers at the opening. Blood dripped from the zipper, but there was no one there. Kenny moved forward slowly to pull the tent flap closed, holding his breath. He closed his hand around the zipper and started pulling down to up to close the tent. He screamed and fell backwards as a grayish, long-nailed hand reached into the tent, feeling around frantically for any stray limb to grab onto.

Stan threw a pillow at it, and the hand's veins pulsed as it dug its yellow fingernails into the material, dragging it outside the tent. The boys screamed and scrambled into one corner, huddling with each other. Butters was on the verge of tears.

A long moment passed, only the sound of material ripping being heard. Suddenly, there was a long, high-pitched growl of rage, and the boys looked on in helpless horror as strings of black hair entered the tent. No one could bring themself to scream as a furious face appeared under the mess of blood-crusted hair. The human-like creature raked its fingers through the silky fabric of their sleeping bags, pulling itself nearer to them.

There was a high-pitch scream from Stan as he realized that the monster dragging itself nearer to them looked a little like him. The only obvious difference was the jagged scar that ran across its forehead, continuing behind its ears, and the deep gash dripping blood from its throat. "It's the hippie!"

The creature laughed, a watery sound accompanying the blood rushing out of its gaping mouth. The hippie reached out a long arm, grabbing frantically onto Cartman's foot, which was peeking out from beneath his covers. The fat boy cried out, yanking his foot free and kicking it out at the charcoal-haired creature. The hippie whined, withdrawing from the tent. There was the sound of a scuffle outside, and an angry yowl. Then there was a deep, muffled sobbing and the tent flap was again ripped open.

"The - the Jew..." Kyle whimpered, staring horrified at the angry pale face of the creature slithering through the doorway. Its sharp green eyes were framed in maroon stains, amplifying the color. Its auburn hair contrasted wickedly with its pale skin, the blood trickling down its throat making it appear to have a pitchfork-red mane. The sobbing grew louder outside, and the Jew let out a loud shriek of anger. Butters covered his ears, unable to take anymore of this nightmare-come-true. He felt close to fainting, and wished he would.

The Jew scanned its furious eyes around the tent, taking in the blanched faces. It smirked before lunging forward. The teens screamed, shielding their faces as they waited to be ripped to shreds. However, that moment never came.

Butters was the first to peek through his arms. The black-haired creature was on top of the Jew, a scalpel clutched in its white fingers. The redhead was struggling with the other, holding the wrist of the scalpel-weilding hand, growling menacingly. Suddenly, Kyle's doppelgänger's grip slipped, and Butters closed his eyes as the scalpel was forced into the Jew's neck again. There was one long, low groan before it was silent. When Butters opened his eyes, he saw that the redhead was no longer anywhere in sight, nor was Stan's look-alike. However, after scanning the horizon, his eyes fell on a small figure, a body draped in its arms. Butters swore that it was the hippie carrying the Jew away, but then again, he could have been seeing things.

**xxx**

** O.O Who needs sleep? AMIRITE**


	3. Chapter 3

**The last chapter! Dun dun dun!**

**xxx**

Cartman tried to escape the bright sunlight creeping through the open tent flap, but it was being persistent. Sighing, he opened his eyes and glanced around the tent. It was empty. "Guys. Why didn't you close the tent flap? Guys."

He sat there, huffing while waiting for his answer.

"You guys, I'm seriously. Close the tent! Kenny! Get over here!" he called out, but no one answered. They must be playing a trick on him. "Butters, I just found a Hello Kitty barette!" Still no answer. "Stan, there's a bird in here with a broken wing. I think it needs your help."

Not wanting to call Kyle, Cartman heaved himself out of the tent. He saw the other four leaning against logs around a dying fire.

"Guys, what the hell? I was calling you!" He grumbled as he walked over to where they were sitting, and kicked Kenny's leg. "Didn't you hear me, you poor piece of-" He stopped, and gasped. "K-Kenny?"

His blonde friend's leg was bent at an awkward angle. He grabbed Kenny's shoulders and turned him so he could look at him. Cartman gasped again and threw Kenny back. The economically challenged teen's eyes had been gouged out and his throat and been slit. The fat teen looked around at the others - they were just as bad; Butters' mouth had been sewn shut and his eyes were closed, his slit neck still oozing blood slowly.

Stan and Kyle were the worst. Their throats had been cut like the others, but the two best friends' mouths had also been sewn together, locked forever in a kiss.

Cartman heard a noise behind him and jumped. He flung himself around, determined not to end up like his friends, but everywhere he turned, the sound moved with him, so that it was always behind him. "Stop it! I'm on your side!" he yelled. "I don't even like those guys!"

There was a harsh cackling, followed by a gurgled chuckled. It was coming from right behind him. Suddenly, Cartman felt two pairs of hands grab his arm, pulling him bad. He screwed his eyes shut, waiting for the end to come.

"_Eric_," a voice was saying. He didn't dare open his eyes. "_Eric."_ Something tugged his arm harshly and he screamed, opening his eyes.

Kenny stared down at him.

"Eric, are you alright? I think you were having a nightmare."

"What?" Cartman sat up. He was in the tent, burrowed in his sleeping bag. Stan and Kenny were giving him concerned looks while Kyle was fuming.

"You woke us up with your screaming."

"Did the hippie and Jew ever come back?"

Butters and Kenny exchanged a look. "What are you talking about?"

"When they came last night, you morons!" Cartman shouted. "Damnit, that better not have been a dream!"

"I think it was, dude," Stan said, biting his lip. "Maybe it's because you told that story last night."

Cartman sighed. "You guys were dead in my dream, then."

Kyle hit him then. "Is that why you were yelling 'I don't even like those guys'?"

"Shut up, Jew." Cartman lay back down in his sleeping bag, determined to go back to sleep.

He saw a shadow pass along the tent, and a low throaty laugh, but he figured it was just his imagination.

**xxx**

** Finished!**


End file.
